Author: kaelvas

Heartstring

Their hearts are connected by a single string

And every time she pulls the line

It slides through her hand

And pools at her feet.

She aches to draw closer,

But the words and images in thread

Are her only comfort.

She looks out in the distance

Sees the string going on

And on,

And on,

Curving at the end of the horizon,

Yet never slacking.

She can feel a voice echoing down the vein

With a hint of cologne in its wake

Can hear the vibration

Resonating in her chest.

She cries out as she watches

The threads of others grow thin

And snap—

Waiting for hers to follow suit.

She yearns for him all the day long

For a glimpse of the soul on the other side

And in the night hours he is there for a moment

And in the morning he fades into whispers

And impressions of pillows held too tightly.

She tugs the string

He tugs back

And both look forward

To a day when the string will slacken. 

Love is Black and White

I don’t do halfhearted.

I can’t do at arms-length.

You’re either here,

Or you’re gone;

There’s no in-between for me.

Leave the grays behind

For lesser things than love.

Love has to be clear, vibrant, and distinct,

Bright and in my face.

Love has to be grounded in today,

Not easily swayed by yesterday

Or the worries that wrinkle tomorrow’s face.

So leave your limp waves

And your false smiles outside

For they are not welcome

Within the walls of my heart

Or where my soul abides. 

Sometimes Quiet is Violent

I have always woven silence

Into threads that tread upon my heart

Like choking back tears between notes

And filling the void with empty sparks.

I fumble the voice of reason

Into a crowded scene

Full of flashing lights

And undocumented dreams.

Where all are pointing fingers

Sharpened like tacks, 

My soul a pin cushion

For days I’ll never get back.

Overnight never tasted so burnt before,

Intentions scrapped like scraps,

Like wilted lettuce and overripe tomatoes

Tossed into the trash.

I wait and wait and wait

But the weight is still the same

It’s pulling on my lips,

Overwhelming my veins. 

Over time the silence dissipates

By then the damage has won

In a mere moment, I am broken

In a second, I am undone.

I’m picking up the pieces of my tongue

Where my teeth missed the mark

Sinking bone into flesh

To alleviate the pain of words

Spoken too often in haste

Cleaving ideas with bitter thoughts

Of too many mistakes. 

Raindrops

My thoughts are like raindrops,

Endlessly tapping,

Filling up and spilling over,

Overlapping and blending 

Until everything is blurry.

Leaving trails upon my face,

I am forced to bite down on supposition,

Choke on hesitation,

And swallow pride until it coats my lungs.

I cannot breathe without tasting regrets,

And the sharp scent of copper

Settling on everything I ingest.

I cough up sentiments

With flecks of red and white and gray.

My thoughts are like raindrops,

And I am far from shore,

And I am far from sure,

When I will see clearly again. 

I miss you,

Not like a bad habit,

Or a breath of air,

Or even a dream

Where I’m struggling,

Or straining to forget,

Or hide the tinges of blue

Lining my cheeks as I hold myself back.

No,

I miss you like someone

I barely know,

But wish I knew better.

I miss you like the sound of rain

When everything has been too harsh,

Too bright,

And my eyes are too tired to rest.

I miss you like the spaces

Between brushstrokes,

Where each one is defining

Not straining to make sense.

I miss you like the weight

Of a correct answer

Laid gently on the tip of my tongue

Which slips and stutters in a rush

To say your name.

To say I’m still here.

To say don’t worry.

But I bite down on my words

Even as they slip between my teeth,

Because my wants

Are not your needs

And missing you

Is better than making that mistake again.

Intimate Isolation

There is such intimacy in closeness,

To hear the sounds of the living,

Each individual breath

Catching at first,

Then settling into a rhythm,

Like a hitch within a storm,

The letting up of rain

Before a second downpour…

The rising and falling of the chest

And the grumbling of soft stomachs,

Like thunder in the distance.

Breathing individual scents

To get a sense of who they are,

What they do,

What they enjoy,

Is such a delight…

Warm honey, mingled with cinnamon.

Lavender,

A hint of jasmine tucked under the sleeve,

And the tracings of vanilla on the spine

Pooling into a collection of memories

And suppositions of where they were

Or could be.

The feel of warmth spreading through your chest,

Touching your fingertips,

Bringing them out of the isolation of each digit

Calculating each stroke and caress

Each pause,

Each mark on skin

Both indelible and yet forgiving…

Quieting the need to awaken,

And accepting the approaching calm

While stifling the flinch that arises

With each seemingly bated breath.

The taste of silence

On lips softer than the harsh reality

That dreams must be awakened from

But not now,

Not yet,

In this moment you can taste fleeting freedom

That latches on as tight as you,

For once…

Candied sweetness and yet,

 Something more than temporary fullness,

A lingering weight,

But not a burdensome one

Rather a satiated cry for connections

You once thought were forever lost.

It took me four times

To even say “hello”

And now I can’t shut up.

I want to hear

Every greeting under the sun

Rolling off my tongue for you,

To speak in different palettes

And paint with every color I’ve imagined

Until you can see what I see in you.

It may only be

A crude reflection in

Jagged edges of paper cups

Overflowing with muddled compositions.

But I’m trying my best,

I promise…

Even as the words

Become muffled across the distance

I’m here.

Anxious Hesitation

It’s a delicate balance,

Loving you

I try to be close enough

That you can always reach me

But withdrawn enough

So you can breathe freely

I litter my surroundings

With affirmations of my love

But keep the highest and holiest within

I worry that I don’t love you enough

I worry that I love you too much

Not that the love itself is too much or too little

But that it will grow stale in its abundance

Or you will begin to doubt its existence

It is always there though

I cannot forget you

You are interwoven in all that I do

You are my dream

My goal

My destination

I do not say any of these lightly

When I love I let it consume me

And with you it is drowning out the voices

It is quieting my fears

I still have anxieties

But they revolve around losing the calm you bring

Ironic, eh?

I love it though…

If I didn’t fear losing you,

I don’t know…

I just…

I never want to be complacent with my love for you.

It is an absolute gift

Getting to know you,

Difficulties and all.

I wouldn’t trade it for anything on this mortal plane.

Even if I don’t always ask the right questions

Even if I don’t always know the right response

Please know there’s no one more important to me

Than you.