Constructing Your Happy Place

Wherever you may be,

Stop.

Your thoughts

Your expectations

Their thoughts

Their expectations

Your feelings

Their feelings

All of it…

All that you can…

Stop. 

Close your eyes and breathe in

Breathe out…

Picture an entirely blank room.

All white as far as you can see

Stretching in every direction

Walk around

Hear the echoing of your feet

Bouncing softly

Until it fades

Just appreciate the nothingness

It asks nothing of you,

You feel no obligation towards it

You can’t hurt it.

It can’t hurt you. 

Now think of a place you’ve felt calm,

Or wanted to be calm…

A beach

A forest

An empty mansion

The middle of the cosmos surrounded by colors

Your childhood home

The old barn

The library

The mountains

A castle in the evening…

Wherever you feel safe and whole

Imagine constructing it

Letting it stretch out within this blank space.

It can fill it up entirely

As far as the eye can see

Or it can just sit surrounded by nothingness

Walk through it

Appreciate the colors

The sights

The textures

The sounds 

The feel of it all

Walk through it or just sit down 

Or float

Or swim

Or play…

Or dance…

Let yourself wander and be and do

Or to just stop, be still, and appreciate the silence.

It is your happy place

As long as you feel welcome

As long as you feel happy

There is no wrong answer.

Stay as long as you need

And when you’re ready

Breathe in

Feel the air filling your lungs

Breathe out…

Repeat

And open your eyes.

Just Breathe

Close your eyes…

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your hands

Holding ropes and the chains of expectation

Hold them tighter…

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your shoulders

Like the weight of everything holding you back

And crushing your spirit

Is resting there

Push back

Stand your ground.

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your jaw

All the words you’ve wanted to scream

All the words you did and regretted

All the silences and lies you tell to avoid pain

Bite down harder on your inhibitions

Then open your mouth

Your lips

Breathe out slowly

And release. 

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your stomach

All of the things you have or haven’t eaten

All the feelings you have about your waist

All the feelings and concerns that rest there

All the disappointments that feel like acid

The hollowness of it all sometimes

Find those feelings

Push them against the walls of your stomach

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your thighs

Feel the buzz running through them 

The heaviness like lead

Hold them still

Breathe out slowly

And release. 

Breath in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your butt

Clench those cheeks

Like you’re prairie dogging 

And you’re at your in-laws

And the family already hates you

You make it to the bathroom

Breath out slowly,

And release.

Breath in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your calves

Like running is not just a pastime

But an addiction

A need to always be moving

So you’re never caught by what’s chasing you

Except you’re carrying it the entire time

Hold it

Breathe out slowly,

And release. 

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your feet.

Holding you up all day

Grounding you to the planet

To the floor

To everything 

Curl your toes and hold it

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in…

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Hold it…

Breathe out…

Repeat…

Next we’ll construct a happy place…

I cannot find you in your movies

In your books

In your posts

I cannot find you in your journals

In your ranting

In your clothes

I cannot find you in your texts

In your silence

In your space

I cannot find you

You have gone without a trace.

Sonnet for the Hills

I ache to feel the touch of morning rays

Across the hills of evergreen and red

Embraced by early Autumn’s timid gaze

Upon the leaves her lips, so soft, have bled

In hues of yellow orange and brown I weep

Until my time to flee this place so numb

I’ll out to pasture roam with stars like sheep

And wander through the night till overcome

The trees have whispered to their fingers “wait”

Our ears are closed and halt the shaking voice

Our minds to silence thoughts tangled with fate

Until they’re felled by axes of our choice

I ache to feel the touch of morning sun

But only after through the veil I’ve run

Sonnet for a Fallen Friend

Like grass so green, his eyes capture my soul

And raven’s wing his heart a fleeting song

His mouth so sharp each word doth take its toll

And ne’er a plight I e’re held to for long

His skin, it shines so bright and cold and clear

Like midnight oil I grasp and hold in dark

Clutched to my breast like truth I hold so dear

And fan to flame once was a little spark

His fiery hands they burn inside my head

Like thoughts so warm and close they fall from grace

Each breath I hear my ears they feel so dead

And hope descends, like morning, to its place

I part my lips and speak his name like ash

And feel the waves, like agony, and crash

Co-lapsing

You are not to blame

When the weight of your pain

Decreases your will to give;

A collapsing star may burn more brightly,

But you, my dear, are more than dust.

You are more than fears,

You are more than hands

Outstretched and thinned

Reaching toward the helpless.

You are more than endless nights

With a heart and ears heavier that steel,

Breathing in the words

They heave upon your own.

You are not worth less,

Because they cannot hear you.

You are not worth less,

Because they refuse to.

You are not worth less,

Because they forgot to…

Because I forgot to…

You are not to blame

When the weight of your tongue

Leads you to silence

For that same voice that gives to rest

Must rest also receive. 

Sifting Thoughts

I.

I swallow apologies like sand,

Because without the weight of change

They’ll float away in the wind,

Regardless of intent.

II. 

I fill my lungs with mud

Trying to inhale peace,

Struggling to breathe

While words dribble down my chin.

III.

I sit in silence as a stone

Layered with years of regret

Culminating in several moments of muffled speech

I am awake, but I am not yet.

Ransomed Heart

Was it a trick of the light

When I saw a reflection of my skin

Threads interwoven, pulled thin

Faded orange and green

With starlight dimmed in freckled eyes

And tear stained pillows

Disguised

As something in-between?

A mirror hanging loose

Attracts your fading lips

Takes a breath

And sighs into your hips,

As walls marked with fingerprints

Of yellow, blue and white

Trickle into shadow

And fade from sight.

A whispered windowed pane of glass

Fractures into snow

And falls through its home

Into a dream below,

Settled sleep measured out

And dropped soft like a kiss.

Muffled Sparks

The days fell apart

Like eyelids and broken hearts

Opened wide and filled with dark

Inside a vacant home.

The nights were often long

Like rope and summer songs

Running fast and warm like rain

In the middle of a storm.

The oceans have since dried

Like sand and empty skies

Drained with bones inside

A once majestic space. 

Her finger draws to close

A promise and a rose

Dressed in thorns and blooming slow

In a garden now erased.