The Brink of Disaster

Everything feels on the brink of disaster

Like I’m constantly leaning back in a chair

And I’ve slipped

That split second shift

Before I’m heading towards the ground

Or miss a step running down the stairs.

Each sentence out of my mouth

Each thought in my head

Feel like when the knife slips

And you brace for contact.

It’s like the deer that jumps out in front of you

As you hit the brakes

Or when your foot sinks into a hornets’ nest

And the crunch and buzzing meet your ears.

It’s cacti growing out of your back

When you go to order food

Or remember what you wrote 3 months ago

And can’t get out of your head

It’s feeling like any moment

Life could come crumbling down from within

Just because the dishes from last night are still there.

That’s what anxiety is for me…

Constructing Your Happy Place

Wherever you may be,

Stop.

Your thoughts

Your expectations

Their thoughts

Their expectations

Your feelings

Their feelings

All of it…

All that you can…

Stop.

Close your eyes and breathe in

Breathe out…

Picture an entirely blank room.

All white as far as you can see

Stretching in every direction

Walk around

Hear the echoing of your feet

Bouncing softly

Until it fades

Just appreciate the nothingness

It asks nothing of you,

You feel no obligation towards it

You can’t hurt it.

It can’t hurt you.

Now think of a place you’ve felt calm,

Or wanted to be calm…

A beach

A forest

An empty mansion

The middle of the cosmos surrounded by colors

Your childhood home

The old barn

The library

The mountains

A castle in the evening…

Wherever you feel safe and whole

Imagine constructing it

Letting it stretch out within this blank space.

It can fill it up entirely

As far as the eye can see

Or it can just sit surrounded by nothingness

Walk through it

Appreciate the colors

The sights

The textures

The sounds

The feel of it all

Walk through it or just sit down

Or float

Or swim

Or play…

Or dance…

Let yourself wander and be and do

Or to just stop, be still, and appreciate the silence.

It is your happy place

As long as you feel welcome

As long as you feel happy

There is no wrong answer.

Stay as long as you need

And when you’re ready

Breathe in

Feel the air filling your lungs

Breathe out…

Repeat

And open your eyes.

Just Breathe

Close your eyes…

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your hands

Holding ropes and the chains of expectation

Hold them tighter…

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your shoulders

Like the weight of everything holding you back

And crushing your spirit

Is resting there

Push back

Stand your ground.

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your jaw

All the words you’ve wanted to scream

All the words you did and regretted

All the silences and lies you tell to avoid pain

Bite down harder on your inhibitions

Then open your mouth

Your lips

Breathe out slowly

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your stomach

All of the things you have or haven’t eaten

All the feelings you have about your waist

All the feelings and concerns that rest there

All the disappointments that feel like acid

The hollowness of it all sometimes

Find those feelings

Push them against the walls of your stomach

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your thighs

Feel the buzz running through them

The heaviness like lead

Hold them still

Breathe out slowly

And release.

Breath in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your butt

Clench those cheeks

Like you’re prairie dogging

And you’re at your in-laws

And the family already hates you

You make it to the bathroom

Breath out slowly,

And release.

Breath in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your calves

Like running is not just a pastime

But an addiction

A need to always be moving

So you’re never caught by what’s chasing you

Except you’re carrying it the entire time

Hold it

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your feet.

Holding you up all day

Grounding you to the planet

To the floor

To everything

Curl your toes and hold it

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in…

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Hold it…

Breathe out…

Repeat…

Next we’ll construct a happy place…

Stationary Departure

I am too much sometimes,

You know?

I arrive all at once

Baggage in my hands

Ready to sift through them

Right before we depart,

But you have barely begun to pull in

Your hair still windswept,

Your eyes groggy from your last trip.

You stumble half-heartedly onto the platform

And in your hazy vision you can barely make me out

You’re not really sure what you’re seeing

You’re not even sure who you are

Or where you are

And I’m packed up and ready to leave.

You smile in your delirium

And I choke back on my understanding.

I know where you are.

I’ve been there before.

And I’ll wait at the station for you.

Because each step forward

Is weighed down, heavy with preparations

Echoing thoughts and intentions

Too early to even breath.

But I’ll stand here,

Communicating that I know I am too much

Too quickly

Too cumbersome for now.

So I’ll unpack a basket and some plates

And spread out a place for you to sleep

And lay the rest aside for another day

Another week

Another trip.

Surplus Scarcity

He loved her in hushed tones

Like a rumor perched between his lips

Held hostage by anxious thoughts

And visions of what could have been.

Every breath emerging from hesitation

Slid past fumbling fingers

And tension that was less a form of art

Than a simple extension of existence.

Each association was shaken down

Examined for vulnerabilities

Then held at an arm’s length.

Eyes squinting and ears pricked

For the inevitable signs of boredom

Discretely widening pockets of silence

Footsteps fading in the distance.