It’s Okay

It’s okay to say no

Not now

Not ever.

It’s okay to say wait

Give me time

Give me space.

It’s okay to stop

To take a break

To get some air.

It’s okay to breathe

Take a walk

Listen to the trees.

Just Breathe

Say No

Say Wait

Just Stop

Take Space.

Loneliness

Loneliness is a crowded mind

With no access tunnels,

Where words are shoveled

And piled into carts

But have nowhere to go.

Loneliness is an avalanche

Of everything you wish you could say

But never have enough time to

Or never feel safe to.

Loneliness is suffocating

So everyone else can breathe easier

Thinking maybe things are better

When you’re just quieter about it.

Loneliness is the realization

That it’s easier to go away

Than try to get someone to listen

Long enough for the weight to lessen.

Loneliness is the weight

Of living decades fighting yourself

Then trying to find yourself

In whatever pieces are left.

Toothpaste and Cookies

I like toothpaste on my cookies,

Because it takes away the guilt

Of anything sweet landing on my tongue.

The government is always slapping labels

Telling me that I cannot eat

Or cannot touch the things that I want.

On a completely unrelated note,

I’ve been in the emergency room

Five times this week.

I’m trying to find an excuse to leave

But the pudding is starting to taste

Like everything I’m missing.

I found your name in my fireplace

From letters you once wrote me

Paragraphs to rival Hamilton’s pen.

I curled up among the ashes

And breathed what was left of you in.

I’m looking in the kitchen

And all I’m finding are cupboards bare

Nothing but echoes in dust.

I close my eyes and feel,

I close my mouth and feel.

I breathe…

A week has never felt so long.

Don’t Tell Me to Come Home

When I was a little boy

My father told me

You will never be a doctor

Because you suck at science.

When I was 8 years old

I scraped my knees on expectations

That were never my own

And looked for home

In the smile of every stranger

That didn’t shout at me.

Every absence of a fist

Felt like a kiss

Until I learned that words

Carried their own poison.

I learned to build a home in books

To crawl into the worlds between letters

And drink them in until I could forget…

I cannot tell you of my childhood

Too many memories are like sand

I grab at smoke that settles

Like grains of time too swift.

I’d stop to smell the roses

But her hands were covered in that scent

And everytime I blink

I can’t erase her laughter from the pain.

Don’t ask me to feel at home

When walls have only ever kept me out

Kept me in cycles of forgetting

That life is actually living…

Instead of waiting for an end.

The Brink of Disaster

Everything feels on the brink of disaster

Like I’m constantly leaning back in a chair

And I’ve slipped

That split second shift

Before I’m heading towards the ground

Or miss a step running down the stairs.

Each sentence out of my mouth

Each thought in my head

Feel like when the knife slips

And you brace for contact.

It’s like the deer that jumps out in front of you

As you hit the brakes

Or when your foot sinks into a hornets’ nest

And the crunch and buzzing meet your ears.

It’s cacti growing out of your back

When you go to order food

Or remember what you wrote 3 months ago

And can’t get out of your head

It’s feeling like any moment

Life could come crumbling down from within

Just because the dishes from last night are still there.

That’s what anxiety is for me…

Home Is…

Home is where the mask can slip

The mouth can speak

And the tongue is loosed with love.

Home is where the heart can bleed

The soul is freed

And you never feel alone.

Home is where lungs breathe easy

Legs are no longer prone to fleeing

And eyes can close without danger.

Home is where you feel welcomed

Not as an unspoken burden

But as an equal, comrade, and friend.

Home is where you feel accepted

Where you look past petty differences

And hold close in welcoming arms.

Home is not counting favors

Not counting trips to the fridge

Not feeling guilty for existing…

Home is where I want to linger

Home is where I want to sing

Home is where I fall asleep in peace.

death comes in a whisper, not in the thunder

in the whoosh of their robes

with naught but wind on their heels

Peaceful Protest

I cannot protest your lips

Too soft to touch

Too rough in speech to stay my hand.

I cannot protest your eyes

Too bright for evening stars

Too dark for midday prayers.

I cannot protest your fingers

Too empty to feel my wounds

Too full to fill my heart.

I cannot protest your mind

Too vast to travel this life

Too enclosed to stray at all.

I cannot protest your heart

Too joyful for the rich

Too mournful for the common man.

I cannot protest your tongue

Too lithe to control

Too clumsy now to teach.

I cannot protest your arms

Too tight to hold me dear

Too loose to let me free.

I cannot protest

I may not even try

I cannot protest

Until the day I die.

Constructing Your Happy Place

Wherever you may be,

Stop.

Your thoughts

Your expectations

Their thoughts

Their expectations

Your feelings

Their feelings

All of it…

All that you can…

Stop.

Close your eyes and breathe in

Breathe out…

Picture an entirely blank room.

All white as far as you can see

Stretching in every direction

Walk around

Hear the echoing of your feet

Bouncing softly

Until it fades

Just appreciate the nothingness

It asks nothing of you,

You feel no obligation towards it

You can’t hurt it.

It can’t hurt you.

Now think of a place you’ve felt calm,

Or wanted to be calm…

A beach

A forest

An empty mansion

The middle of the cosmos surrounded by colors

Your childhood home

The old barn

The library

The mountains

A castle in the evening…

Wherever you feel safe and whole

Imagine constructing it

Letting it stretch out within this blank space.

It can fill it up entirely

As far as the eye can see

Or it can just sit surrounded by nothingness

Walk through it

Appreciate the colors

The sights

The textures

The sounds

The feel of it all

Walk through it or just sit down

Or float

Or swim

Or play…

Or dance…

Let yourself wander and be and do

Or to just stop, be still, and appreciate the silence.

It is your happy place

As long as you feel welcome

As long as you feel happy

There is no wrong answer.

Stay as long as you need

And when you’re ready

Breathe in

Feel the air filling your lungs

Breathe out…

Repeat

And open your eyes.

Just Breathe

Close your eyes…

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your hands

Holding ropes and the chains of expectation

Hold them tighter…

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your shoulders

Like the weight of everything holding you back

And crushing your spirit

Is resting there

Push back

Stand your ground.

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your jaw

All the words you’ve wanted to scream

All the words you did and regretted

All the silences and lies you tell to avoid pain

Bite down harder on your inhibitions

Then open your mouth

Your lips

Breathe out slowly

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your stomach

All of the things you have or haven’t eaten

All the feelings you have about your waist

All the feelings and concerns that rest there

All the disappointments that feel like acid

The hollowness of it all sometimes

Find those feelings

Push them against the walls of your stomach

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your thighs

Feel the buzz running through them

The heaviness like lead

Hold them still

Breathe out slowly

And release.

Breath in.

Feel the air fill your lungs

Feel the tension in your butt

Clench those cheeks

Like you’re prairie dogging

And you’re at your in-laws

And the family already hates you

You make it to the bathroom

Breath out slowly,

And release.

Breath in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your calves

Like running is not just a pastime

But an addiction

A need to always be moving

So you’re never caught by what’s chasing you

Except you’re carrying it the entire time

Hold it

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in.

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Feel the tension in your feet.

Holding you up all day

Grounding you to the planet

To the floor

To everything

Curl your toes and hold it

Breathe out slowly,

And release.

Breathe in…

Feel the air fill your lungs.

Hold it…

Breathe out…

Repeat…

Next we’ll construct a happy place…